Every year I spend a good few hours at Costco.com making one. Then I print 50, stuff 20 and hand them out to whomever I see on Christmas Day. Let’s be real, most everyone I care about follows me and my crew on Facebook so a card would be pics they’ve already seen and a letter full of information they know.
However, this year I saw someone write “brutally honest” Christmas letters so I decided to give it a go...
If you want a copy, print it. You’re welcome.
*~*~*~ holiday squiggles *~*~*~*~
Dewey-Rollins Christmas Letter 2019
Elijah: Age 4.5. Attends Gloria Dei Lutheran Pre-K where he’s learned to write his name in capital and lower case, and he’s learned that John the Baptist (aka “Jeebuses cousin”) ate crickets “just like my gecko!” He’s super into cheese omelettes lately and has a YouTube channel with one video of himself singing “Mamma Mia” that he watches constantly. His dream is to have a play date with Ryan from YouTube. If you don’t know who that is, consider yourself lucky. He’s a monstrously annoying 8 year old millionaire.
Scarlett: Still missing two front teeth, the Dewey tooth fairy is definitely considering an IRA at this point. She’s excelling in third grade despite “talking a lot, all the time, whenever time is passing, to people who are ignoring her” according to teacher Mackenzie. Scarlett is pretty obsessed with her cat, Domino who won’t stop humping his brother, Pineapple, so we’re all excited for their kitty-ball-snipping surgery in January.
Carlee: Ran for ASB class rep and won this year. Will run for President in 2044. Will cut you if you don’t vote for her. We’re equally proud and fucking terrified. She’s currently studying feminism and is one of the leaders of her schools “Pineapple cult” which we’re allowing because apparently anyone is invited as the the Pineapple is the international symbol for hospitality. Still doesn’t like sour cream.
Jackson: Has spent less of this year grounded than last, so it’s a total win. He’s continuing to rock his hearing aids despite mom having Bluetooth access and randomly playing Disney songs from Spotify when she’s feeling punchy. He really enjoys books about kids who kill each other (“Last Kids on Earth” and “Hunger Games”) so we’ve decided he doesn’t need therapy any more, he’s got a healthy outlet for his frustrations of being 1 of 5.
Isabelle: She totally “doesn’t” have a boyfriend and we totally “don’t” talk about it. She’s in her last year at Cascade K-8 which thrills her as she is VERY ready for high school but mom keeps weeping every time she says that so she’s stopped. Mostly. We got her an “anxiety Beta fish” this year and a little zebra snail named “Gary” to clean its tank but we’re pretty sure Gary died in transport. I haven’t checked. Isabelle is still our favorite. Don’t tell the others.
Matthew and Kate: Still married. Still like each other. Are REALLY enjoying the no-baby phase of this life they share. Isabelle can babysit so they’ve made excellent use of Regal Theater’s Unlimited pass. They’re pretty sure Regal didn’t think that one through. Kate will see Star Wars:9 at least 10 times. Matt will let her if he knows what’s good for him. They’ve decided they’ll have one more baby if it ever becomes possible to gestate a Baby Yoda.
*~*~*~ more holiday squiggles *~*~*~*~
We don’t have family photos done yet, so y’all get this. It’s my new favorite things and it makes me really REALLY happy to see this song get the ending it was always meant to have.
1) Scarlett is in second grade.
2) Gary is dead. Isabelle scooped him out 2 months ago
3) My nominations for “Mother of The Year” hasn’t been revoked. God knows why.